"I am not a homemaker because I had too little ambition or education to make anything else of myself. No—I am a homemaker because God has given me the infinite honour of being a wife, and I delight in employing every ability that He has equipped me with in this glad career. I LOVE BEING HOME."

~ Lanier Ivester

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Eight years...

Eight years ago yesterday I was 15 years old and in excruciating pain.
God was there.
It was just a few weeks earlier that I had discovered that I was expecting my first child.
I was lonely, lost, confused and sad.
I was called a loser, an embarrassment, pathetic, and many worse thing that I dare not utter on this here blog.
God was with me.
I was not a Christian.
I did not believe that  could love someone like me.
It was a lie, whispered to me daily.
My Heavenly Father loved me unconditionally.
October 27th 2001 I had an appointment.
Not at the dentist but with a doctor, the kind that kill.
An appointment not made by me
 ,but one I was told by an elder that I MUST attend.
A threat that I shall not repeat.
For the first time in my life I prayed.
Not a Hail Mary, or Our Father that we recited each day in school.
A true prayer from my tarnished blackened heart.
I pleaded with the Lord.
He listened with opened hear, arms and ears.
" Please, please, please I beg of you! You say you are Lord Most High. Do something!  Do not let tomorrows' appointment come. I will take my life if I have to do that. I cannot live with myself. I might not be a good person but I am not a murderer. You said ask and I shall receive; I am begging you. "
He watched me, heard me, He was with me, then He answered.
As I sat in the bathroom in unbearable pain crying for help,
 but no one cared for me except Him.
With a sharp pain, a pop, and a massive gush,
my waters had prematurely ruptured.
Apparently despite my slim figure I was further along
than previously thought.
The details of what happened next will remain with me,
perhaps to be posted at a later date.
In the end in the back room of a hospital with the help of to "God sent" midwives, I gave birth to a breech baby boy who never took a breath outside the womb, strangled by the cord on his way out.
I never looked at him... I did not have the required courage.
It is one of the biggest regrets of my life, I should have looked.
I named him Jesse Johnathan which means
God Exists and God has given.

"...the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." JOB 1:21

I have have experienced much distress, hurt and heart break in my little 23 years of life. But it is only recently that my eyes have become open to see and understand that I was never alone. I used to cry out to the Lord "where were you when ______________. " Now I see how my Heavenly Father was there more than any other. I see how He watched over me, loved me,  guided me.

I am eternally gratefully that God exists and God has given.


Christina B


Mia said...

Dearest Christina,
Although this is the first time I've ever been to your blog, I want to hug you & comfort you...I cannot imagine..let alone how much strength it took to type those painful words of recollection!
Your faith shines through this post..."God was with me" "My Heavenly Father loved me unconditionally"
Thank you for sharing a memory that was on your heart..God bless you, Ms. Christina! You've truly blessed me :)


MolleenCarie said...

God bless you today, Christina. Thank you for sharing your story and blessed be the name of the Lord.

The White Way of Delight said...

Blessings to you!
I am so sorry to hear your story.. The Lord has (and still is) using you for HIS glory!
May the Lord God continue to bless you. :-)

Love your blog~

Blog Widget by LinkWithin