Eight years...

Eight years ago yesterday I was 15 years old and in excruciating pain.

God was there.

It was just a few weeks earlier that I had discovered that I was expecting my first child.

I was lonely, lost, confused and sad.

I was called a loser, an embarrassment, pathetic, and many worse thing that I dare not utter on this here blog.

God was with me.

I was not a Christian.

I did not believe that  could love someone like me.

It was a lie, whispered to me daily.

My Heavenly Father loved me unconditionally.

October 27th 2001 I had an appointment.

Not at the dentist but with a doctor, the kind that kill.

An appointment not made by me
 ,but one I was told by an elder that I MUST attend.

A threat that I shall not repeat.

For the first time in my life I prayed.

Not a Hail Mary, or Our Father that we recited each day in school.

A true prayer from my tarnished blackened heart.

I pleaded with the Lord.

He listened with opened hear, arms and ears.

" Please, please, please I beg of you! You say you are Lord Most High. Do something!  Do not let tomorrows' appointment come. I will take my life if I have to do that. I cannot live with myself. I might not be a good person but I am not a murderer. You said ask and I shall receive; I am begging you. "

He watched me, heard me, He was with me, then He answered.

As I sat in the bathroom in unbearable pain crying for help,
 but no one cared for me except Him.

With a sharp pain, a pop, and a massive gush,
my waters had prematurely ruptured.

Apparently despite my slim figure I was further along
than previously thought.

The details of what happened next will remain with me,
perhaps to be posted at a later date.

In the end in the back room of a hospital with the help of to "God sent" midwives, I gave birth to a breech baby boy who never took a breath outside the womb, strangled by the cord on his way out.

I never looked at him... I did not have the required courage.

It is one of the biggest regrets of my life, I should have looked.

I named him Jesse Johnathan which means

God Exists and God has given.

"...the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." JOB 1:21


I have have experienced much distress, hurt and heart break in my little 23 years of life. But it is only recently that my eyes have become open to see and understand that I was never alone. I used to cry out to the Lord "where were you when ______________. " Now I see how my Heavenly Father was there more than any other. I see how He watched over me, loved me,  guided me.

I am eternally gratefully that God exists and God has given.

Blessings

Christina B

Don't worry

I has been back to school as usual around here. I was meaning to post all last week but never got around to it. I am glad to be back  to our "regular" schedule, I think summer was a bit too chaotic.

Hannah is really enjoying school and is working on her writing and letter recognition. She wants to learn to  write stories like her brother. She is so eager to learn and I am blessed to have her as a daughter and student. She is turning 3 in a few weeks and every time I think about it I start to worry. There is sooo much to accomplish and yet every year of life feels as if it goes a little bit faster with a little less done. Was it not just spring? What have I done since then?

This morning Hannah asked to read with me, we read Matthew 6 (her choice). When my eyes fell upon Matthew 6:25-28 it spoke to me so well; as our Heavenly Father always does.


²⁵ “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? 
²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 


I really tend to be a worry wart. Most times I just shrug it off as my motherly nature. All moms worry right? But this morning it hit me like a brick, I need to, want to, have to stop. So I am working on it. I am   praying about it.  If you are a self confessed worry wart then join me. 


Stop worrying about your life.

Guess where I am

I am sitting by my couch taking a break from folding laundry, yes that is right I am back home. So i am home with out a baby:( since the amniotic sac seams to have mended itself, my ultrasounds have showed increased fluid each day, and I have not developed any type of infection , my OB sent me home to cook this little one for a bit longer. For those of you who do not know the amniotic fluid is basically the baby's pee and it increases everyday. As long as I do not leak the water will return to normal levels.

It was sort of frustrating because I was being told that I would be induced so I was preparing myself for that. Now I am home so I am quickly readjusting. I still have to go to the OB tomorrow to make sure I am still infection free, but other than that things will be back to normal I guess. If I do develop an infection, or leak anymore I will be induced.

I am quite tired with the "unknown", but I do know that I cannot be preggo forever and I only have 5 weeks left till my due date.

Still here

I am still here chomping on ice chips.
I am on antibiotics 4 times a day for infection.
I am super sensitive to it so I am not really keeping much down.
My mom as the littles till tuesday.
If I do not go into labour or get induced before then, I will be all alone:( because DH will have the kids again.

I will update again tomorrow.

Stop teasing

That is the first thing that we are planning to tell this little one when he or she finally comes out. I am blogging from the hospital high risk unit. My water broke yeasterday morning. I stayed in bed all day and went to triage at about 7 pm. This is my third time here in less than 2 months. It seem like I had a high leak that has now mended itself. I will be here for at least another 48 hours for them to monitor me for infection and possible induce tomorrow ( when the baby will be 35wks). I got induced with Hannah at the end of week 34 so I am not too worried.This is so tirersome because me being here affects my three kids who miss me,my mom who leaves work early and my husband who misses work at both his jobs "just in case" the baby is actually coming.

Well anyways I must go back to bed now, please pray for us.

Our hopes and prayers are that the baby will either arrive safely this weekend or stop teasing us with these tiring false alarms.

Nesting

Sarcastic To-do Lists
Originally uploaded by EllesStudio

Some women scrub the walls,some people cook and freeze postpartum meals, and others rearrange the house. When I am nesting I usually clean the room, re-do all of the baby's laundry, pack my hospital bags and then give birth within two weeks. The number one thing that I do is make lists. I am a list person and never function quite well without them. Since I am still on bed rest I can pretty much only make lists. When it comes to giving birth to one baby and leave the other children to do so, I feel the need to make quite a large sum of lists. Here is a lists of lists that I need to make( mainly for my personal reference but read on if you please)

Things to tell DH to buy before baby comes
Things for me to order online before baby comes
Things to sew before baby comes
Things to finish knitting before baby comes
People for DH to call when baby is born
People to call when I go into labour
Boy baby names
Girl baby names
Paperwork to be completed before the end of Jan
Ikea shopping list
Grocery list for when I am coming home from hospital
What to put in the children's overnight bag x3
What to put in my hospital bag
A list of car seats for DH to choose from and buy.
List of activities for Isaiah and Hannah to do while I am in the hospital
List of the house rules( so the kids do not manipulate the nanny while I am out)
Emergency contacts for daytime
Emergency contacts for nighttime.

I am sure that I am forgetting something.

12 weeks , 5 days...

is how far along I am. The second semester is finally approaching, my appetite is slowly increasing and I have a little bit more energy each day.

Isaiah
"I want to have 3 baby brothers and 3 baby sister. Lets pray to God that you get pregnant again. I cannot wait until you get all pregnant again! Can you quickly go in your room and pray to God for lots and lots of babies"

Me
"ummmm......
ahhhh.....
welllll..... ,
I will see what I can do"


The funny thing is, the last two times that he started a conversation like this I was already a month pregnant. The not so funny part...I am already quite late for my monthly visitor. Maybe I am...maybe I am not. I am happy either way

Summer is here!

Well at least that is what my calender is saying. The weather around here still looks and feels like spring.
We are done school for this term and Isaiah will be doing grade one in september(maybe late august, not too sure yet. It will be our first full homeschooling year.
My laptop is on its death bed and I will not be getting this new one for at least another month.

So with all that said I will be taking a vacation from my computer to spend more time being a housewife and reorganizing my home and my life. I will be back in september or august(whenever we start school).

See you in a few months and Have a great summer!

Blessings

Christina

Despite the fact the Imanuel has been brushing for months now he just cut his first tooth on Monday.
Last year with Hannah I pumped breast milk and she drank from a bottle quite early on ( plus she cut her first tooth at 12 months). Way back in 2003 with Isaiah I stopped breastfeeding at 6mos the day he cut a tooth and bit me. So with that being said this is the longest that I have breastfed for.
I am aiming at at least one year but only time can tell. It also depends on whether or not I get pregnant before then(which is quite likely) and if he bites.